


Mazes

by SaraJaye



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Confrontations, Frustration, Gen, Jealousy, Mending Fences, Metaphors, Partial Memory Loss, Post-Canon, Reluctant Travel Partners, Road Trips, Self-Discovery, Sorting out feelings, The start of a friendship, Travel, radio shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:55:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27962648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraJaye/pseuds/SaraJaye
Summary: Wakaba never did have her grand revolution after Utena disappeared. Instead, a stroke of good luck only confused her more, sent her out of the cozy little town she called home, and into the path of the person she least expected.
Relationships: Himemiya Anthy & Shinohara Wakaba, Past Wakaba/Saionji
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Mazes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mellific](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mellific/gifts).



With Utena's disappearance, Ohtori evolved. It was strange, Wakaba thought, because for something like that to happen, wouldn't they have to be better off without her? _How could anyone be better off without Utena Tenjou in their life?_ But it didn't take her long to realize it wasn't Utena's departure, but rather the gift she left behind. One by one, each set of chains binding them to their past broke. Juri made up with Shiori, Miki put his energy into being mentor to Tsuwabuki, Saionji-

_Saionji._

Even now her heart stung a little to think of him. Part of her didn't want to admit he wasn't The One for her, the memories of their time together were still some of her happiest. His smile, his relaxed aura, the way he let down his guard for her.

 _But if he was truly The One, he'd still be with you, and you would have tried harder to stay by his side. There's someone else, isn't there?_ Then again, she wasn't sure about that "someone else", either, and for every moment he tried to get close to her, there was another where he'd flirt with the other girls. _So he can't be The One, either._

It wasn't good for her to spend this much time worrying about her love life, she knew. But it was safe, comforting, better than wondering where Utena had disappeared to and poking the sleeping fear that she really _was_ gone for good. To Wakaba, the thought of a world without Utena hurt more than a thousand broken hearts.

_I always joked about her being my one true love, but she was more important to me than any crush._

Everyone was moving on, but even with Wakaba's own chains broken she felt stuck in one place. Even with a fan of her own, even with boys noticing her more and more, even with her grades improving, none of it could fill the Utena-shaped hole in her life.

She busied herself as much as she could with the last weeks of school. Exams came and went, Wakaba almost forgetting them until the grades were posted on the last day. She'd been sitting in the courtyard watching the cats when she heard Himari shriek her name, then felt herself being dragged to the bulletin board. A vague picture of the board surrounded by laughter flashed through her head, but the sound of cheers brought her back to reality.

"Here she is!" Himari announced, and it was then that Wakaba noticed the name at the top of the list.

It couldn't be. She'd studied hard and taken her time on each exam, but none of them had been exactly easy and she'd second-guessed herself many times, especially during the math exam. She'd expected no better than a C in math, really. Not "top of the class" material.

"There must be some mistake." She _wanted_ to believe it, this was what she'd been hoping for her whole life, a chance to be _special._ But the sensible (pessimistic, realistic, gloomy) part of her kept saying it was a mistake. _They mixed up your name with someone else's, you're closer to the middle, there's no way you're that smart._

"I'll...be right back!" She ran from the cheers and applause as if they were mocking laughter, her eyes stinging with tears.

"It's no mistake, Miss Shinohara," Mrs. Wantanabe said. "We checked each exam twice, and you scored highest on the final exams than any other student. Overall, that puts you within the top five of this year's grade eight." Wakaba waited for the humiliating moment where it was all a trick, or to wake up from this bizarre dream, but it never came.

"I see."

"You don't seem excited." Mrs. Wantanabe eyed her sharply. "Miss Shinohara, you didn't by any chance-"

"No, of course not! I'd never cheat, I studied as hard as I could! I just...well..." How did you explain to a teacher that nothing like this ever happened to you? How all your life you longed to be special, that the one time you came close to it _something_ came along to ruin it and you didn't even remember what it was? That one day you had the affection of the boy of your dreams, but the next he'd forgotten all about you?

How sometimes you felt these flashes of anger towards the person you admired and loved the most, and you didn't know _why?_

"Say no more," Mrs. Wantanabe said. "I believe you, Miss Shinohara, you've always been very honest." The words stung more than they should have. _Honest._ Again, that feeling of anger, the guilt that always seemed to follow it, and for the life of her she _couldn't place it_.

"It's an honor to have made the top of the class," she said. "Of course I'm happy. I just...didn't expect to, some of the exams were very hard! I was afraid I'd gotten more wrong than right!"

"You clearly studied very hard, and the information stayed fresh in your mind," Mrs. Wantanabe said with a smile. "You should be very proud of yourself, Miss Shinohara. I'm sure your mother and father will be, too." They would, Wakaba thought. It wasn't even as though her need to be special was their fault, they always told her to just do her best and they'd be proud of her.

"I'll tell them right away." She bowed slightly. "Thank you, Mrs. Wantanabe."

"I'll certainly miss you. You were a joy to have in my class," her teacher said. "You keep doing your best, okay?" Wakaba smiled a little, blinking back her tears.

"I will."

The rest of the day and the ones that followed were a whirlwind of celebration. Even after her accomplishment fully sank in she didn't know what to make of this much praise, especially when half of it was followed up with _so what are you doing to do this summer? What are you going to take next year?_ Her parents were looking at new schools even fancier than Ohtori Academy, her teachers were already suggesting universities for the future, and the honors classes at Ohtori were practically begging her to sign up.

So she let herself enjoy the ride. This was real, she was special, and this time everyone could know about it. No hiding this in her room like she had him, no waiting for the day they could finally go public with their relationship. Her name had been right there in bold print for all to see, _Wakaba Shinohara, #1._

 _But is this what you really want?_ a little voice asked her one night after she came home from yet another party. _You worked hard for those grades, but have you ever **really** wanted to be a star student?_

"Well...it's something I can be proud of, right?"

_But do you really want it? Are you sure you're not just going along with this because it's easier than trying to find something else to make you special? And what if you just got lucky? Are you prepared to waste your parents' money or teachers' time by slipping back into average?_

"Be quiet!" she shouted. "I...I don't know, okay? It's not like I haven't thought about-"

But she hadn't. She hadn't even considered the questions her mind was rapid-firing at her. She could've just gotten lucky this time, maybe once she went to the smart classes or a new school she'd go back to getting just Bs and Cs. Maybe she didn't even want to be a scholar in training.

"What should I do, Utena?" she found herself asking, but all that did was make her more confused. And lonely. And worried.

The crowd in the hallway, the parties, the praise, even as she rode the high of being special she knew what was missing. Alone in her room without the background noises to distract her, she was overcome with that emptiness. _Where did you go, Utena? Are you okay? I never even got to say goodbye. Everyone else thinks you just disappeared, most of them have forgotten all about you. But I couldn't, not in a million years._

To be someone special, or to find her friend, which mattered more?

Before the sun rose the next morning, she had her answer. Wakaba quietly packed a bag, dressed, wrote a note to her parents, and gathered her savings. She made her way to the train station and purchased a ticket.

"You alone, miss?" the station master asked, eyebrow raised. She nodded.

"There's somebody I need to find."

Tokyo was huge. She'd expected as much, given its status as the center of Japan, but the spread of people and shops and restauraunts that greeted her when she stepped off the train was so much she had to find a bench and sit down for a moment to get her bearings. She'd always known Houou and Ohtori were somewhat closed off from the world, especially Ohtori, and right now she'd never felt more like the little barn mouse walking into a fancy parlor for the first time.

She needed some time to form a plan, too. Unfortunately, the one thing she could have used an A+ in right now they didn't teach in Ohtori. How did one go about finding a missing person in such a big city? She had an old school photo of Utena's, but it was in grayscale and there could be a dozen girls out there with features similar to hers.

"Maybe I can find somewhere to get this colorized," she said aloud, just as she heard footsteps and felt someone else's presence beside her. "Huh?" She looked to the side and immediately bristled as she recognized the figure. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Looking for Utena," Anthy Himemiya said bluntly. "Should I assume you're doing the same, Wakaba?" Again, Wakaba bristled, a tight sense of irritation prickling through her. Like the occasional anger she felt towards Utena, her animosity for this girl was a mystery. She only remembered her constantly being by Utena's side and how much that annoyed her, but there was something else, something deeper that made her want to stand up and walk away from Anthy this very minute. But at the same time, something kept her in her spot.

"I am," she said, turning away. "But if you haven't found her I guess I just wasted thirty-thousand yen and forty-five minutes."

"I haven't finished searching here yet," Anthy said. "So I wouldn't be so pessimistic. Besides, this _is_ a lovely city. You might as well enjoy it while you're here." Some of the shops _did_ look like a lot of fun, the arcade seemed to be calling to her, and the sight of a yakitori stand reminded Wakaba that she hadn't eaten since the tiny breakfast she'd bought on the train.

"Maybe for a little while."

"I'll come with you," Anthy said, and Wakaba bristled again.

"I'm sure I can find my way around the city alone. I don't need someone holding my hand." For a split second she saw vague hurt on Anthy's face, and she almost felt bad.

"Maybe not, but a day in the city is always nicer with someone else, isn't it?" It wasn't easy to argue with that, and despite her annoyance she couldn't shake her guilt over snapping at the other girl. _At one time she meant something to Utena. Enough for Utena to risk her neck for her over and over again...she always wanted us to get along._

"Well...all right, then." She stood up, bowing a little. "Thank you."

They looked in three shops and didn't buy anything, even though Wakaba was tempted to grab a little white horse figurine from the second one. _For who, though?_ Luckily it was beyond her price range. She saw Anthy eyeing the same figurine moments later, then an octopus, then a turtle.

_She always did have a thing with animals._

They hung around the arcade and messed around on Beatmania. Anthy played the crane machines and wasted ten yen before she finally won a stuffed mongoose, and Wakaba came close to a high score in Wonderland Wars. They stopped at the yakitori stand and Anthy insisted on paying, which Wakaba reluctantly accepted.

"Before I left," she explained, "I took a large sum of my brother's private funds and a few of his possessions. You'd be surprised at how much you can get for a ridiculously gaudy set of bracelets." Wakaba, who only knew Akio Ohtori as the creepily charming and sickeningly handsome chairman, didn't know what to say to that. Instead, she thanked Anthy for buying lunch and let her buy them a box of mochi for dessert.

Tokyo _was_ a beautiful city, even with all the crowds, and while Anthy was unsurprisingly hard to have a conversation with it was nice to have someone else along for the ride. Anthy even let her pay for dinner at a small sushi restaurant when it grew late.

They left the restaurant just in time to miss the last train for the next hour.

"We'll stay at a hotel," Anthy said, and Wakaba frowned. Since when had Anthy the submissive bubblehead been so decisive? Still, it wasn't like Wakaba had a plan for this little trip of hers, she didn't know where she wanted to look next and Tokyo still had enough she hadn't seen yet.

"Only if you let me pay for half of the room."

And so it went on like this for the next week. They left Tokyo after three days, realizing they weren't going to find Utena here and it was time for a change of scenery. Wakaba wasn't sure whose idea it was to take a boat to Hokkaido next, but they did.

It was cold. Houou's winters were just like you'd expect from a storybook, pleasantly chilly, but Hokkaido was a whole new level and Wakaba found herself buying new winter clothes in June just to keep her limbs from falling off.

"I never used to like the cold," Anthy mused. "What good is it, anyway? Flowers die in the winter, animals hide in burrows and caves until it's safe to leave again. Such a lonely time of year."

"Really?" Wakaba had always associated winter with skiing, ice skating, hot chocolate, Christmas, and crisp green pine trees. "Well, to each their own, I guess."

Anthy kept opening up to her with some new tidbit about herself. How much she hated shaved ice, how she longed for a garden of nothing but carnations, how much she wanted to understand the material in her textbooks that felt tailor-made just to confound her. That little monkey-mouse friend of hers took a quick liking to Wakaba, and not just because she couldn't help buying an extra bento or piece of cake for him.

Wakaba should have felt guilty for offering almost nothing in the way of her own personal feelings and tidbits. But the truth was, as grateful as she was to Anthy, she couldn't stem the prickly feeling of resentment towards her. Partially because she suspected Anthy thought her too poor to pay her own way, but for other reasons as well, some of which she couldn't even place.

Sometimes she'd look at the other girl and see a wooden hairclip, and she'd feel betrayed. Other times she'd have clear memories of this same girl with her vapid smile standing by Utena's side, bowing to her, catering to her every whim, and she'd feel like she was standing outside a thick window looking in at something she'd never be a part of.

And even through all that, there was a tiny part of her that almost _wanted_ to give Anthy another chance.

_Isn't that what Utena would want?_

"You hate me, don't you?"

It was their last night in Hokkaido before they would move on. Wakaba had just finished showering and changing into her pajamas, Anthy sat at the edge of her bed in a floor-length flannel nightgown, and those were the first words she'd said since dinner that night.

Wakaba instantly wanted to say no, another part of her wanted to say yes, and she drew her lips into a line because she honestly didn't know _how_ to answer that.

_You took something from me once, something precious that made me feel so important. You hogged her, everything she did was for you. I was forgotten, lost in the shuffle, and then she disappeared._

"I don't know," she finally said. "If we both suddenly found her, right in this moment, who do you think she would run to first?"

"I thought so." Anthy picked up her silver brush and ran it roughly through her hair. "You didn't have to say yes to traveling with me, you know."

"Just like you could have asked me to leave at any time," Wakaba shot back. "Why _did_ you ask me, anyway? Why did you approach me? You and I never-" She shook her head. "Back then, you were always with her. I was just..." Jealous. Annoyed. Angry. _Because she was my friend first, you were some girl she wanted to save from being hurt._ "Something happened that day, the day she disappeared. It had to do with you, didn't it?" Anthy's fist clenched around the handle of her brush, and she set it down.

"What if it did?" No denial, no attempt to defend herself. Wakaba bristled, carefully hanging up her towel and sitting down on her bed.

"Then she really _did_ like you the best. She didn't need me anymore."

"Or, you failed to tell her how you felt about anything," Anthy said. "Utena was good at many things, but she was not a mind reader. _You_ were the one who felt abandoned, left out, but you never said anything to her. You kept smiling, running to her, leaping onto her back, and she had no reason to believe anything was wrong."

"But-"

"Lies told through omission are still lies."

She wanted to fight against that accusation, tell Anthy how wrong she was, but something in her tone stopped her. Not only did Anthy probably have a point, but it sounded almost like she somehow knew this from experience.

 _I never told her. I remember the day he forgot all about me, I remember being angry at Utena, and then...and then..._ She buried her head in her hands. _Ugh, every time I try to remember more it just gives me a headache, but it's important, right? After he forgot me..._

"It's probably best that you don't remember," Anthy said, breaking her concentration, and Wakaba tensed.

"How-"

"You're an open book, and once a page has been torn out it's useless to try to tape it back in." Anthy picked up the brush and got back to work on her hair. "Cracks remain, tape only holds it together for so long. And in some cases, it's best to forget what was on the page in the first place."

Wakaba sighed, daring to look at the other girl again.

"What if this thing I've forgotten has to do with her?"

"Do you have any other memories of her?"

"Yes, of course! Tons of them! Her favorite food, the color of her eyes, the things she was good at, her least favorite subject," Wakaba said, trying not to smile. _How happy she was whenever you were around._

"Then you don't need whatever you're missing," Anthy said. "Now we should go to sleep. It's getting late."

"But-"

"We still have a lot to work through, and it would take us all night to scratch the surface," Anthy cut her off. "Just go to bed. They're doing some sort of radio show tomorrow and I want to wake up in time to listen." Wakaba turned her gaze fully towards her, taking a deep breath.

"I don't hate you." And it was the truth. Jealousy, resentment, annoyance, frustration, but if she ever did hate Anthy, she didn't remember how it felt. "I just...wish I was as important to her as you."

"You are." Anthy put her brush down, slid under the covers, and turned off her lamp. She didn't speak another word that night, leaving Wakaba to process everything for what felt like an eternity before she finally fell asleep.

 _So now what, Miss Smartest Girl in Ohtori Academy's Year Eight?_ She'd menadered so far off the path of the original purpose of this trip and into a maze, but somehow she got the feeling Anthy wasn't here to help her find her way out. _Maybe we wandered into the same maze and there is no escape. Not a clear-cut one, anyway._

Life, as it turned out, was pretty much the same no matter where you went. No matter how straightforward the people, how diverse the aesthetics, being human was still the same messy experience and it could take years to figure out who you were and what you wanted.

The next morning, she woke up just as Anthy was turning the radio on.

" _And live from Hokkaido, it's Sunrise Shenanigans with Ella and Bella!_ " Anthy's eyes met hers, wide with surprise, and they both burst into giggles. Wakaba couldn't put her finger on it, but something about this show was familiar in the best way. Dramatic readings of the traffic reports, discussion of the happenings on a popular teen soap opera, all done by two girls who couldn't have been more than their age using a myriad of different voices.

By the time they rolled to the first commercial break both she and Anthy had the hiccups.

"I like them," Anthy said.

"Me too! And they said live from Hokkaido, right? Maybe we're right near their studio!" Wakaba added. "I mean, not that I'd suggest busting in there during a taping, but..."

"I hear they're having a contest where the winner gets two tickets to a taping." Anthy smirked. "Why don't we stop by the donut shop and try our luck? I happen to be _very_ good at contests."

For the first time since the other girl bumped into her, Wakaba was truly to be traveling with Anthy, and not just for the prospect of free tickets. It could be a long time before they found Utena, but for now, maybe they could try to get along with each other.

"I'd like that."

Before she walked into the bathroom to take her shower, she saw Anthy smile at her. It was the first time she'd ever seen a real smile on the other girl's face.

She could get used to it.


End file.
